Well where do I begin.. I left Oxford, being changed by the culture and everything there.. I think I lost myself a little bit while overseas and it got even worse when I got to Italy.. I think that I just needed an escape and break from all of the troubles that I had been going through my whole sophomore year at school. Although soph. year was a VERY tough one.. it was such a good and blessed one too. But I am getting WAY off topic.. so we got to Italy and homesickness set in... We were all tired and crammed into uncomfortable living spaces, Italy was dirty and rainy and not as I remembered it at all.. I was homesick and I had no way to contact any of my loved ones. This was tough but it made me more appreciative of where I was and what a blessing I had to be where I was. As the month went on we traveled to many amazing places and saw many amazing things, and our little group grew SO much closer than we had been in Oxford.. being crammed into one house with 20 something people will do that.. but I am so thankful now that we had to live in such close quarters because I ended up making some AMAZING friendships that I hope and pray last into this next school year and beyond that. But personally I had kind of let myself die inside with my relationship with God.. I turned 20 years old about a week after being in Italy and I was just at a point in my life with all these opportunities to act like an average 20 year old.. and basically go wild. And so I did. I dont regret it at all. It was an experience I have been itching for for a LONG time.. Ive always known I was a bit sheltered growing up, not oblivious to the world around me, believe me I was well aware of it, but I just stayed on the outside of it, watching others around me, partly wishing I could be like that, and then partly wanting to be better than that. Basically I have a wild side that has been dormant inside of me for a long time, just itching to get out, and so on this trip I think its safe to say I let it out a couple of times. It was so much fun and a life changing experience for sure, and I have learned and grown from everything I did and experienced on the trip, but I definitely have drifted away from God.. and I regret that very much. But as much as I knew the whole time I was dead inside, I think it was a necessary evil, I had to go from being so close and in love with God as I had grown closer to Him through some very difficult times, to needing to just step back and find myself a little bit, to realize thats not who I am or want to be, and now that I am home I know I want to be close to God again. That is in fact the life I need and want, and I cannot live without Him. Now that that has been said, Italy was amazing and I will take so much from that experience. It was beautiful and I absolutely loved it. I wouldnt change any of it for the world.
But now I am just back in Austin and life feels slow and mundane, and I dont like it. Life is so rushed and troubled here, and I felt such a peace being over there, like nothing mattered except enjoying life. I was extremely happy every single day there, a kind of happy I havent been able to feel in a long time. I am now 20 years old and I feel like I need a change in my life. It makes me constantly consider what am I doing with this life. Right now in the month of July I am just sitting around being useless, or atleast thats how I feel. I am so ready to get to August.. when I move to Abilene and get to be on my own, in my OWN HOUSE. I am ready for a serious relationship, and I am ready for the next part of my life! I am halfway done with college, and I cannot wait for the next half to begin, with all the amazing relationships I have made, despite the ones I have lost, and even the ones I have yet to make. I think I have a new found confidence, that I hope and pray I dont lose, because I know that I am a beautiful, amazing person that has so much to offer, and I just need to get back to true self a little bit. I am hopefully going to get the tattoo I have been wanting for quite a while now.. and I think the timing is perfect. I am ready. The verse means everything, because life is about Love. 100%. God loves us no matter what, and we need to love, no matter what. Its that complicated and that simple. It just is. God is life and love and that is the core of my life and it just has to be.
So I think I have gone on 204854 tangets, but those are my thoughts on life these days and thats where I am at. Im just so excited for my life to keep going and for any obstacles to come my way, and any blessings as well. Its the little things after all that make life worth living. :]
So since Ive been back, Ive been to Abilene and painted my bedroom, along with repainting a whole bookshelf, Ive hung out with friends, and even been to the beach. I havent done much but in about 2 1/2 weeks I will be moving my stuff up to Abilene to find a job!
No comments:
Post a Comment